She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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