Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
