When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize