just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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