I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize