She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize