I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
