I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
