Duck Duck Cougar?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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