pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize