Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
