It's a beautiful day for a hangover
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
