I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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