i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
