Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
