Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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