My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
