I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
