def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
