the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
