The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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