I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
