haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
