naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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