I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
