Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
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