My friends, they love my intelligence
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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