its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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