I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
