6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Randomize
