And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
When are your genitals available?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
