Jerry, you need to find god
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
