I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My Sexting was not on an AP level
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
