just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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