is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
