just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
this just has baby written all over it
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
