I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
