I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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