I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
