If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
