Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
