somebody snuck up and got me drunk
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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