I swear she didn't look like that last week.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
