My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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