I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
We left an ass print on the piano.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
