In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
