hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
