yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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