New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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