Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
