I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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