I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
