your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Also, beer. Big fan.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Randomize
