I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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