I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize