I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
