Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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