dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
